I’ve been working a seasonal job for the Wildfire Management Branch for a few years. I don’t usually start working for WMB until weather heats up, June or so, but I accepted a job in March, so I’ve been juggling the job and music…it’s like a dirty little secret among us musicians when we actually have to get a real job I think there’s a bit of shame that accompanies it. Maybe that’s just my stuff my goal has always been to be a full time musician, but the change in the way the industry is now in comparison to when I started, is drastic. So it’s adapt or die. And right now I’m adapting.
The Universe works in funny ways.
It started one morning, when I was planning my new album, and as I was literally asking myself: “how the hell is this project going to happen?” -the phone rang.
It was my seasonal boss. He asked if I would be interested in starting work early…so through a process of events, I found myself packing my lunch bag and heading off to work much sooner than planned.
For the first while I struggled with accepting that I had chosen this job.
No, I struggled for more than a while. Why was it so different this time? Same job mostly same place. But this was a commitment. (I’m committed til fall, and previously, in the back of my mind, although it wasn’t true, I may have thought I could walk away at any time.)
I think I’m afraid of commitment no, it scares the absolute hell out of me probably why I haven’t gotten married.
So, I’ve been trying to balance all the goals I made for myself at the end of last year, and discovered there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do two full time jobs.
Then I struggled with the fact that I really like this job so if I liked the job, did that mean I wasn’t committed to my music career- the only thing I have ever been committed to in my life? Was I giving up the rock and roll image and songwriting and my guitar and singing and performing and all the stuff that goes along with it? Was I losing my drive, my determination for Robin Brock domination of the world?
I began to chastise myself what was wrong with me, it could be a whole hell of a lot worse. I should be grateful to even have a job in this economic climate and I am.
As far as jobs go, I’m very lucky. I work with an awesome bunch of people it’s a fun place to work, it’s always interesting even when the country’s burning up around us and even now while it’s flooding all around us. I’m surrounded by people who love their jobs and who are proud to wear the reds and blues. The grounds of the office where I work are beautifully kept; there are walking trails just outside my window, I’m surrounded by helicopters…stop complaining! But it’s a job, a little voice argued.
As I struggled with the adjustments I was having to make to my schedule, I found the business part of my music piling up on my desk and in my email in-box, so as I was focusing on mining through that, I was neglecting my musical self. When I neglect my musical/creative self (Musey, I call her), I begin to spiral down.
I went to my homeopath. She always gives me a different perspective. She reminded me it’s about balance. The job is total structure for me (go to work same time every day, deadlines, having to follow rules…I work for the Gov’t.) and I utilize the non-creative side of my brain. My music is the total opposite. Little structure, lots of creativity (you know, coffee, write, go for a walk, do some business).
I needed the job to help balance the music.
So I needed to decide. I could keep wallowing in the overwhelm every time I walked into my studio, and I could keep being pissed off that I had to get a real job, and I could keep being blocked creatively and I could sink into the depression again, or I could be grateful that I had a decent paying job that I liked and learn to use the time I had wisely instead of focusing on how much time I didn’t have or how uninspired I was.
So after three months of adapting, I think I’m finally settling in.
I’m figuring out what is priority according to my musical goals. I’m getting clear on what’s important and what isn’t. Hell, I even deleted all my emails in one of my two in-boxes last night (well, that wasn’t intentional maybe it was subconscious, but I did it by accident). But you know, after I panicked a bit, I felt a sense of freedom. Those backed up emails were always sitting there taunting me read this, do this, I need attention. As an independent artist nowadays, you have to not only wear the business hat, you need to wear the creative hat too, and sometimes the business stuff can totally take over. So I’m learning to delegate. I’m learning to let go of the gripping thought: but I might need that, or I need to do this. No, the only things I need to do are the things that help me accomplish the most important goals my big picture. But best of all, I’m using my time more wisely-for the most part I am a Pisces after all (and a musician). So no, I’m not giving up.
